The Rise of Celibacy: A Review of Melissa Febos’ "The Dry Season"
In a world where dating apps and social media have made it easier than ever to connect with others, a growing number of people are choosing to take a step back and reevaluate their relationships with sex and intimacy. According to The Times, celibacy is having a moment, with celebrities like Khloé Kardashian and Julia Fox declaring they are taking time off from dating. But what drives someone to make this choice, and what can they learn from the experience?
For Melissa Febos, an American author and creative writing professor, the decision to go celibate was a turning point in her life. As she writes in her new memoir, "The Dry Season: Finding Pleasure in a Year Without Sex", nine years ago she had a eureka moment while plotting how to leave a woman’s house after a disappointing hook-up. "I considered the possibility that I was already an asshole," she recalls. At the time, Febos was always in a relationship, hopping from one partner to the next, and often cheating on them. Since the age of 15, she had basically never been alone: there was always "a cohort of flirtations", usually with women but sometimes with men too.
Febos’ decision to go celibate was not taken lightly. At first, she stuck to a modest resolution: "I decided to spend three months celibate." But as she soon discovered, this was not going to be easy. As The Times reports, validation from lovers was a drug for Febos, who has a history of addiction. As a child, she was obsessed with food, then in her early twenties that became heroin and romantic intrigue. While studying in New York, she worked as a dominatrix. For her, three months off sex really was a commitment.
As Febos navigates her year of celibacy, she finds fulfilment in her work – indulging her inner "art monster". She also discovers a new sense of freedom and empowerment, noticing how much social conversation revolves around dating and relationships. She concludes that she can only watch Vera, and instead focuses on her writing and her own personal growth. But it wasn’t all smooth sailing. Febos faced temptation, such as her beautiful friend Ray, who made her feel "struck by a spell of vertigo", and a former fling who at a conference begged her to come to her hotel room with the promise, "I just want to make you feel good".
Febos is far from the first woman to have pledged celibacy, and she structures her memoir around stories of those who came before her. The Times notes that Hildegard von Bingen, the German 12th-century scholar and abbess, the Beguines (13th-16th century Christian laywomen in the Low Countries who promised not to marry), the 18th-century Shaking Quakers led by Mother Jane Wardley in Manchester, then America, and the feminist separatists in the Sixties and Seventies who advised celibacy or lesbianism: all make an appearance. These history injections are a welcome addition to a memoir that could have been navel-gazing.
However, The Times criticises Febos for relying too heavily on metaphors, which can make the text feel overly flowery and indulgent. "Body half moth, half flame, gleefully burning. I had flung myself against other bodies like a mystic in rapture, wet at both ends, face bright with tears. I had nursed the softest parts of women, made a sacrament of them no less holy than the blood and the body of any other saviour" is one particularly painful example.
In the dating apps era, when the taunting promise of romance is ever present, it’s refreshing to read about someone who turns away. The addiction, Febos realises, is not to sex but to validation – so she lets herself masturbate. She also gives an insight into how the male gaze still affects her even though she mainly dates women; a former heels person, she finally starts wearing trainers, not caring if people don’t find her hot.
In conclusion, "The Dry Season: Finding Pleasure in a Year Without Sex" by Melissa Febos is a thought-provoking and engaging memoir that explores the complexities of celibacy and personal growth. As The Times notes, Febos’ decision to go celibate was not taken lightly, and her journey is both inspiring and relatable. With its themes of self-discovery, empowerment, and personal growth, this book is a must-read for anyone interested in exploring the complexities of human relationships.
The Dry Season: Finding Pleasure in a Year Without Sex by Melissa Febos (Canongate £16.99 pp288). To order a copy go to timesbookshop.co.uk. Free UK standard P&P on orders over £25. Special discount available for Times+ members.
