The Power of Celibacy: A Journey of Self-Discovery
In a candid and introspective interview with The Guardian, Melissa Febos, author of the memoir The Dry Season, shares her experiences of being celibate for a year, a decision that surprised her and others. Febos, a professor at the University of Iowa and author of books about working as a dominatrix, young womanhood, and writing, chronicles her celibate era in her new memoir.
When Febos decided to be celibate, she felt "pretty self-conscious and kind of weird." However, the reactions of others surprised her. "I thought people were going to laugh at me or be like, that sounds boring, but so many people would lean in and either get this eager look on their face or this sort of dreadful look on their face, and they would say, ‘Oh, I think I should probably do that too,’" she says. Febos adds that she had no idea how many people had been in relationships for their whole adult life.
Febos’s experience of celibacy affected more than her reliance on love and sex. "All the other areas of my life began to flourish and feel really fulfilling and complete," she says. "I had kind of a honeymoon experience with myself, especially at the beginning, because I realized almost immediately that I enjoyed my own company profoundly, perhaps even more than I enjoyed the company of any other person."
According to Febos, one factor that contributed to her appeal to love and sex was a collective derangement that we have around love and sex. "We idealize this very temporary, superficial definition of love, which has to do mostly with the early stages of infatuation and is predicated upon not yet knowing the lover, and not yet being secure or safe," she says. Febos believes that we have a collectively problematic relationship to love and sex, and also a narrative about it – that it’s going to complete us, and it’s just about finding the right person and then everything’s going to fall into place.
Febos also discusses how she had to redefine her ideal for romantic love as one that is not based on dependency. "I think our fantasy of love has to do with need and dependency," she says. "My definition of love is contingent upon a very conscious choice to support the flourishing of another person. It’s based on choosing them, every moment that I maintain that connection." This redefinition of love has had a significant impact on her life, and she believes that it’s the only way she became qualified to have a long-term relationship.
In her memoir, Febos writes about distilling her internal beliefs to an idea of "if I’m not wanted, I will die." She describes this concept as dramatic, but notes that women constantly receive messages – from companies trying to sell us stuff, pop culture – that partnership is what women should aspire to the most. Febos argues that these ideas have roots that go back literal centuries, and that women’s individual personal safety and survival did depend on our being appealing to potential partners, both physically and financially.
Febos also included historical examples of women who were also celibate, like the Belgian beguines, the 12th-century abbess Hildegard von Bingen, and Shulamith Firestone, who called herself a political celibate. "A few weeks into celibacy, I started to realize I had a set of role models for love and romance that were quite outdated, whom I had adopted as a younger person who was interested in semiconsciously justifying my own choices in love," she says.
About a month into celibacy, Febos found she had a lot of time for other things. She cut her hair, donated a bunch of clothes, and ran 45 miles. "All the adults I know are always complaining about not having enough time, and I, too, have been like that for most of my adult life," she says. "This amazing space opened up as soon as I stopped engaging in activities related to love and sex."
Febos’s book, as with her previous books about addiction and sex work, is honest and revealing. When asked what it’s like to write vulnerably about her life, Febos says that writing is a sort of integrating experience, of undoing shame, of becoming friends with experiences that at one time made her very uncomfortable or felt incredibly vulnerable.
The author notes that writing about her experiences and publishing it also connects her to a vast community of people, both living and dead, who have had similar experiences and have survived them. "And being a part of that larger network and lineage is incredibly meaningful to me," she says. "It makes me feel strong and connected in experiences that once felt alienating."
Febos’s decision to extend her period of celibacy beyond the initial three months was a significant one. "I started with three months because that is a familiar unit of measurement," she says. "I’m a sober addict, and three months is a typical amount of time to detox, psychologically." However, when she got to the end of the three months, there was no question that she had barely begun. "I was just starting to get a sense of the deeply entrenched patterns that I had been stuck in for years, and I knew that it would take much longer to undo them," she says.
Ultimately, Febos’s experience of celibacy has had a profound impact on her life. She has learned to appreciate her own company, and to redefine her ideal for romantic love. Her memoir, The Dry Season, is a testament to the power of celibacy as a journey of self-discovery.
As Febos notes, "Voluntary celibacy is a hot topic now, as with the 4B movement." She believes that certain groups of people are bringing more scrutiny to conventions that they have taken for granted or passively complied with. "And one of the reasons is that the political landscape in the US has taken such a hard shift to the right," she says. "We’re living under an incredibly oppressive government. Part of this swing to the right is backlash against feminism and civil rights movements. People are responding to that with an equal force, both individually and collectively, and a part of that is scrutinizing how relationship dynamics are reinforcing institutional oppression."
In conclusion, Febos’s story is a powerful reminder of the importance of self-discovery and the need to redefine our relationships with love and sex. Her memoir offers a unique perspective on the complexities of human relationships and the power of celibacy as a journey of self-discovery. As reported by The Guardian, Febos’s experiences offer a valuable insight into the complexities of modern relationships.
